Monday, July 25, 2005

Harry Potter


Rash of fundamentalists going to hospitals

By Satire News Service

In its first day of release, "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince" sold over ten million copies, setting a record for fastest sales of a book. Another record was also set that day in various hospitals across the nation, as tens of thousands of fundamentalists were brought in with various ailments ranging from headaches to burns.

"I saw all those people in line to buy that Hellbound book, and I don't know," says Harold J. Q. Thrustler. "Everything went black. I woke up in the ambulance and now I'm here."

"I think the Devil did it," he said darkly. "Him and that Harry Potter."

Daruis X. Darius was brought into his local hospital with burns on his hands. His initial report stated "...that while attempting to pray over a young girl on the pathway to Literature Hell, the book Harry Potter did sear and scar him." However, it was revealed later that Reverend Darius had forgotten to clean his hands of lighter fluid before setting aflame various ungodly materials.

"I still blame J. K. Rowling," he states. "She caused it somehow, that witch."

At one store, the damage can indeed be traced to Harry Potter. Minister P. Siddith Blaster was standing in front of a large pile of Harry Potter books, refusing to move as he preached about the evilness and sin in the book. A small boy got past him and grabbed at a lower book, which made the whole column crash down, completely covering Minister Blaster except for his Bible-clutching hand left above the avalanche.

"I think God rescued me," he said later, with the backward title of the book still emblazoned on his forehead. "He used me to send a message to these kids."

It was the kids who rescued him, as they grabbed at the fallen books so fast Minister Blaster was able to get out in twenty seconds. He was revived with a cup of Potter Punch and was sent home.

Another case where Harry Potter was indirectly to blame was the broken toes of Preacher Bartholew H. Loquat. He was standing in front of a truck full of the new books, refusing to move until it had "gone back to the blasted pit from whence you came!"

The driver left the truck to reason with the man. Preacher Loquat then raced into the cab, saying "And I shall drive these books away!" He then slammed the door on his foot in his eagerness, breaking three toes. He states his intention to sue the driver, the truck company, the bookstore and Mrs. Rowling as well.

The rash of injuries and sickness to fundamentalists was matched by the glee and excitement of the kids who got the books, several of whom immediately began casting spells and flying brooms around.

"Harry Potter is God! Whee!" chanted one Elizabeth Browning, as she flew away on her Nimbus 2002.

J.K. Rowling was said to be at a witches sabbat and could not be reached for comment, though her spokesperson, Mr. Asmodeus B. Lucifer, stated satisfaction with the sales and the progress towards Armageddon.

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