And this time I mean it!

BUSH SETS FINAL STANDARDS FOR FIRING OFFENSES IN WHITE HOUSE

By Satire News Service

President Bush today set a high bar for people working in the White House to meet. "Don't be a criminal," he said. "I can allow a lot, but not that! Anyone caught and convicted of criminal acts just isn't welcome here."

"And I am firm on this," he stated.

This "no criminals allowed" standard is widely seen as the strictest bar on employment in the White House since the first President Bush's "No Cannibals" policy and President Clinton's "No Aliens" policy. When asked for comment, Marvin "It's not cannibalism, it's population control" Martian stated that he had never been convicted of a crime, so he would again try to get a job in the White House.

"I can only hope that President Bush's new policy now allows me my chance to work there," said Marvin. "I will reapply as soon as I have lunch...say, you know, you look pretty lean there..."

President Bush, who campaigned to restore honor and dignity to the White House, feels that this new edict goes a long way to that end.

"People can forgive a lot - near criminal behavior, unethical behavior, the shade-of-gray acts, the rigid reading of the law to just skirt the edges of illegality, and even the outright wrong but not illegal. But when you cross that line into a felony, well, I mean, I don't feel that reflects well on the White House, and I won't allow it."

"So don't get caught," he added jokingly.