Wednesday, August 17, 2005

New London Blitzes Residents


Now front runner in "Mean MFing Bastard" race, virtually a lock

from Satire News Services

The Kelo v. New London case dragged on for five years. The residents claimed condemning perfectly fine homes so an office, hotel and convention center could be built on the space was wrong. New London took an opposite view. The case was decided by the Supreme Court in favor of New London and ordered the residents to leave their homes. This, by itself, should have guaranteed New London as the "Mean MFing Bastard" award winner.

However, the city government has decided not to take any chances, and has sued the previous residents for back rent on the property for the length of the case. Asmodeous X. Moneysniffer Jr., head attorney on the suit, said, "We've been passed over for five years now for that award, and we want it by any means necessary."

"If this doesn't work, we are prepared to move to tarring and feathering," he added.

The nearest competitor for the Mean MFing Bastards award, Erewhon City, put out a statement. "We welcome the challenge from New London, and are as we speak preparing a special "Screw the homeless kids" bill to keep the pressure on them." In a interview with Mayor Bal Z. Bubba of Erewhon City, he chuckled, "Well, hats off to New London. I mean, we thought we had it tough with the whole Kelo case, and now they do this!" He paused to kick a puppy and cut off power to some old people. "They're a player, for sure."

New London states that since the property had been condemned all the time of the lawsuit, the people were living on government property and therefore owe rent. The minor consideration that the city never paid them at any point of the five years only adds to the luster of the maneuver, and is sure to make the Mean MFing Bastards judges take notice. One, speaking off the record, said, "A work of art - even better than Utopiaville's "Take the tax money and run" act of 1987. And that's high praise," they added.

Another judge said, "I'd have to say barring some major moves from anyone else - moves on the order of actually sending police to kill people who vote against them - it's a lock for New London."

New London may also get another honor - the Oxford English Dictionary is said to be mulling including the word "Newlondonly" in their next edition. The definition of "Newlondonly" is "something far above effrontery and chutzpah".

The mayor of New London was informed of this this and was pleased. "We feel this is a direct reflection of who we are and what we stand for," he said.

"And God help you if you get in our way."

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