Saturday, June 18, 2005

In A Puritanical World

Lack of a smoking gun the smoking gun

From Satire News Service (SNS)

Today, a jury of his peers specially selected by Jeb Bush, Tony Perkins and Charles Dobson convicted Michael Schiavo with an unanimous count of 3-0. "I didn't even need to hear the evidence", stated jury member Jeb T. Dobson, "It was a clear case of murder. Even if it took us six tries to convict him."

Michael, who had been previously been five times before arrested on suspicion of murder due to getting the time he called 911 wrong in an interview in two interviews 11 years apart, not crying enough when he talked about Terri, refusing to admit he killed Terri, still refusing to admit he killed Terri, and "just because", was arrested this latest time for committing the perfect murder.

"The fact that the autopsy showed no evidence of abuse means he must have killed her leaving no evidence," says Bernie McCabe, prosecuting attorney. "After all, we can't be wrong so many times, can we?"

Court Reporter Francis Kafka was instructed not to take any notes in the trial, as a moneysaving measure by Jeb Bush ("paper and ink cost money you know"), but we were able to get some statements from people involved.

The trial was one of the fastest recorded, perhaps to due the odd findings by judge Jarles T. Perksonush that Michael would not be allowed an attorney in defense "since he'd had one so many times before" and that Michael would be bound and gagged in the courtroom "for fear he'd add perjury to his list of crimes - not that we've prejudged this."

After a list of all the findings that vindicated Michael, McCabe then asked, "How else could he have had so much evidence exonerating him - unless he had planted it? Gentlemen of the jury, the fact there is no smoking gun proves what a vile and clever murderer Michael is - he did it in such a way that no proof was left behind!" Bernie McCabe, who leaves for his new job in Jeb Bush's government next week, was glad he could "end his career on a victory so long in coming."

Randell Terry, a witness for the prosecution, states he wasn't there when Terri was killed, "...but if I would have been, I could have seen how he did it. How clever Michael was to not have me around at the time!" Terry, who brought his own Bible to be sworn in on, also stated that even though the autopsy report showed Terri couldn't have been as aware and feeling as he and others had claimed, "We all know science has been wrong before. Unlike me and the members of the jury."

Another jury member, Tony J. Dobson, mentioned that he was really glad they looked into the fact there was no evidence against Michael. "I feel that was a significant question that was overlooked - he was just too innocent to be innocent."

Charles T. Bush, the last member of the jury, says that, "While it was important for us to go into this trial with an open mind, it was more important that we get the bastard for what he did - even if he was so good at it to leave us no proof."

Michael Schiavo was dragged to a jail cell somewhere in the state of Florida. He was not available to be interviewed, but the members of the jury say he confessed the murder after the conviction was read, screaming through his gag of his guilt and remorse. "At least, that was what WE got."

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