In A Perfect World

Opponents Apologize to Michael Schiavo
"We allowed our beliefs to overshadow our thinking"

FROM SATIRE NEWS SERVICE (SNS)

The final autopsy report on Terri Schiavo was made public today, showing she had massive and irreversible brain damage. Her brain was just half of its normal size, and her vision centers had dissolved away, making her unable to respond to visual stimuli, contrary to the tapes shown often in the news. In addition, there was no evidence of physical abuse, contrary to claims made by several opponents of removing the feeding tube. The response has been overwhelming.

In a public press conference, many of the major people who had led the opposition to the removal of the feeding tube stepped forward and offered apologies to Michael Schiavo.

James Dobson of Focus on the Family and Tony Perkins of the Family Research Council stood at the microphone together, with shaved heads and wearing sackclothes and ashes. "We acted shamefully in the matter in attacking Mr. Schiavo," stated Mr. Dobson, weeping tears of regret. "We went over the bounds of decency and civility. We allowed our beliefs - what we thought was true - to overshadow our thinking. We wholeheartedly and completely apologize." He was then overcome by racking sobs and pounded his chest.

"I want to state for the record all my accusations of Mr. Schiavo were totally wrong," stated Mr. Perkins, with red eyes. "I repudiate all of them, and everyone in my organization who made them. We were wrong," he stated slowly and emphatically. He and Mr. Dobson then announced that all the money raised during the Terri Schaivo fight would be taken and split in two, with half to go to Michael Schiavo and the other half to go for an equal amount of media coverage of their apologies as there was of their accusations.

Next at the microphone was Senator Bill Frist, who was one of the U.S. Congress leaders in the fight to intervene in the Schaivo case. "Firstly, let me state that as of now I resign my medical practice," he stated, ceremonially ripping his medical degree into pieces. "I can no longer claim to be a doctor when faced with the fact that I stated Ms. Schiavo was as alive as any of us, a claim clearly contradicted by the autopsy. I made a claim that should have resulted in my removal from the medical profession for sheer incompetence in less than five minutes." There was a pause as he regained control.

"I would like to offer my sincere apologies to Florida, for bringing federal involvement in a state case that had been rightly decided multiple times. I have no excuse. I hereby resign my post of Senate Majority Leader in favor of someone - anyone - who can act with more restraint and decorum."

Representative Tom DeLay said, "I am resigning also, in light of my foolish and inexcusable comments about the judges in the Florida and Federal courts. I have no words to express my sincere regret and embarrassment over my actions."

Randell Terry, the leader of Operation Rescue, was next. He read from a prepared statement.

"The final findings in this case shows all of us to have been wrong, to a most foolish degree, both in our accusations of Michael Schiavo and our actions. We have been shown to be nothing more than people who grab at spotlights for our own gain and glory." He broke down in sobs and could no longer finish reading. Later on, he announced that he would, as an act of penance, go from state to state carrying the autopsy report on a cross on his back.

Jeb Bush closed out the conference, with a Florida deputy at his side. "In light of the fact that there had been no abuse, and also with the fact that Terri Schiavo was indeed as medically injured as the reports had said, my actions in ordering the Florida police to seize her from her nursing home cannot be seen as anything more than an egregious coup de etat. I place myself under arrest, awaiting both impeachment and criminal charges." The deputy than handcuffed Governor Bush, who was led to the back of a police car.