CINDY SHEEHAN SAYS BEING ARRESTED 'FABULOUS'
"I was read my right to be fashionable!"
from Satire News Service
In a surprising news conference yesterday, Cindy Sheehan appeared with the two Capitol Police who had arrested her before President Bush's State of the Union address, dressed in a stunning muted gray outfit topped with a splashy red handkerchief. To the crowd's surprise, she thanked Officers Ken Blackwell and Carson Kressley for 'changing my life' and 'making me see that a T-shirt is just T-sucky'.
"Oh, honey, you know we're there for you!" smiled Carson in reply, looking natty in a policeman's cap and casual suit. "Once we saw you in the balcony in that ratty T-shirt, we knew we had to bring you down!"
Cindy says that far from being abused and rushed away, Officers Blackwell and Kressley were simply doing their sworn duty as both Capitol and fashion police. "Once they had me away from the crowd they showed me several outfits made for the sorrowful mom and activist, ones that showed that while my son died, I can still look good."
Officer Blackwell chimed in, "No blood for oil and no rags for Sheehan!"
As it turned out, the problem had been as reported - Ms. Sheehan's T-shirt that read "2245 Dead - How Many More?" But 'the problem was NOT the message - it was the way the message was delivered!' explained Kressley. "She fell into the same trap most protestors do, thinking that sandals and cutoff shirts make them more honest or something. Honey, there was SUCH a lack of tzujing there! We just had to step in and make her see that, hey, important message or not, you can still look good."
"And I do," chimed in Ms. Sheehan, to applause and camera flashes. "Wait until you see my new line of clothes, NO POLYESTER FOR PROTEST."
The Capitol Police were following their most recent job description, taken when Queer Eye for the Straight Guy was flying high, which allows them to keep the peace and 'make it better looking'. "I won't say it's been easy," sighed Ken Blackwell. "The number of times we've had to tell Ted Stevens that even though he tries to grab all the pork he can doesn't mean he has to grab the first suit on the rack, or Ted Kennedy that gin and tonics just DON'T go with plaid ties..."
"But that's what they pay us for," he smiled.
President Bush issued a statement which read, "While I still cannot listen to Ms. Sheehan's views on the war, I will say now be able to look at her and her gorgeous outfits. I cannot accept the gay lifestyle, but I certainly can accept their advice!"
The officers had to rush off when their walkie-talkies - dressed out in a plaid pattern that set off their badges - received a call of "plaid and stripes alert!"