"...this whole 'Happy Holidays' thing made me," says Jesus.
by Satire News Service
In a burst of incense-smelling smoke and accompanied by a Heavenly choir singing hymns, Jesus Christ came back to Earth today, which was quite a surprise for the Jews and many other religions. He agreed to be interviewed by our news service immediately.
Jesus Christ: "Please. I put on my shirt the same way you do - after I get it over my halo! Ha!"
SNS: "Well, first off, I gotta say, you look nothing like James Calavizel."
JC: "Eh, I would have preferred Leonardo DiCaprio, but you know Hollywood - I couldn't even get a cowriter credit on the film."
SNS: "Well, I guess I better ask this question right off: Are we in the End Times? Do we need to be on the lookout for an evil Romanian?"
JC : "What, that tale? Nah, the people you need to watch out for are the Sumerians. Them guys are tricky."
SNS: "I don't think there are any Sumerians left, though."
JC: "That won't stop them."
SNS: "So, why did you come back? Is it a statement about gay marriage? Or the treatment of the poor? Is it to show the world the true way, or to redeem people?"
JC: "No, I came for a more important reason, the most critical need the world faces."
JC: "The removal of Merry Christmas greetings - the whole 'Happy Holidays' thing made me come back."
SNS: (stunned silence)
JC: "Well, come on, can YOU think of anything else I should pay attention to beside two words?"
JC: "I mean, if known Christians like Jerry Falwell and Bill O'Reilly are upset about it, I have to be as well! Can you think of two more important, moral, saintlike beings than these two?"
JC: "So I've decided to come back to Earth and spread the word - by God, you better say Merry Christmas around this time of the year. Forget good works, forget helping the poor, forget charity, forget everything else. You don't say Merry Christmas, by gum, you're going to Hell."
SNS: "Um, I don't mean to sound doubting..."
JC: "That's okay, some of my best apostles doubted."
SNS: "I guess it sounds very, well, superficial. I mean, Happy Holidays is all inclusive, yes, but the sentiment of well wishing is there. Merry Christmas is the same thing but only targeted at one religion - Christians. Not to mention distilling your views of Christianity down to how you greet someone seems quite shallow."
SNS: "Um. Even ignoring that, it seems very shallow and selfish to demand a particular greeting to correspond to your own beliefs. I mean, if the Jews demanded Happy Hanukkah, wouldn't that seem a little selfish?"
JC: "Of course it would. But this is different - it's Christians doing the demanding."
SNS: "So Christians should be allowed preference here?"
JC: "It's all to the good here, which is why I support all those people who demand stores say Merry Christmas. I mean, where else can you find the spirit of Christmas but in stores?"
SNS: "Wasn't there something you said about "Render unto Caesar that which is chasers, and unto God's what is God's"?"
JC: "Well, yes, but I didn't say Wal-Mart, did I? And besides, Caesar was a Republican anyway."
SNS: "Why does that matter?"
JC: "Well, I guess I'll go ahead and spill the beans - the Republican Party and I have worked out a deal. I now formally support all their goals and actions. I mean, they've been claiming Me for so long I figured I'd go ahead and make it official. Don't want to embarrass them.
SNS: "So you and the Republican party agree on everything?"
JC: "Damn right! If you read between the lines of the New Testament, it clearly states I'm for tax cuts, invading Iraq, and the Ten Commandments on every wall space across the country! I don't know how people have gotten this whole 'help the poor, turn the other cheek, don't be a show off about your religion' idea. Strange.
SNS: "Well, once you've gotten the whole Merry Christmas deal taken care of, what will you do next?"
JC: "Well, I intend to follow the Republican path to success. I'm starting up the INRI Lobbying Agency on K street soon."